Saturday, August 3, 2013

My world has been turned upside down

On July 22 2013 my whole world turned upside down. The sun was still shining, the birds were still chirping, people were still going about their business but my world had come to an abrupt stop.
My partner, my soul mate and my best friend was taken from me.

I am still in shock and can not believe this has happened. His clothes are still in the closet and his shoes are waiting for him by the door. His motorcycle waits for him as does his truck. And with every door slam or knock on the door our lil bulldog Maggie gets excited thinking Daddy is home.
The thought of him never walking through the door or coming home still makes my heart hurt so bad.

I still do not know what took Brian from us, he took sick a month ago. He was seen twice in emergency and sent home. On July 8 I contacted a specialist and begged her to meet us at the emergency, she had him admitted. The numerous testing started immediately, but no one could give us a definite answer as to what was wrong. I spent everyday with him and accompanied him to all cat scans, xrays and watched him endure numerous blood test. I heard many guesses as to what it might be, but no one could give me a definite answer as to what was wrong with him.

And although Brian was a strong man, whatever was attacking his organs was too strong for him to fight. And he lost his battle July 22 2013.
 I am still waiting for the autopsy report to come back to know what took him from me.

I have been on auto pilot these last 3 weeks, planning a service and dealing with piles of paper work for vehicles and insurance. Because all our family is in Ontario, I took Brian home to our families to mourn. I made arrangements with a funeral home here and in Ontario. And I was able to be on every flight with Brian.

We had a service in Sudbury and I arranged for Brian to go for one last ride, with the help of Boothill Hearse. Brian has rode motorcycles most of his life and I wanted him to go out in style. After his service we took him for one last ride with 60 motorcycles following his hearse. It was a beautiful service and he is mourned by many. Brian was a very loved man and his family and friends feel a tremendous loss as I do. I am having Brian cremated and will be burying his ashes in the spring in Port Dover Ontario. It is where we met and where he wanted to be buried.
I just did not think I would be doing this so soon

I am back in British Columbia now and will be selling vehicles and furniture and down sizing for my move back to Ontario. Our plans for the future died with Brian, there will be no house in the country with his man cave. There will be no more bike rides in the country. All of this makes me very sad and makes me feel very very lost. I have no idea what the future holds for me. As I said I am still in shock and the wind has been taken out of my sails. I have lost the only man I ever truly loved.

I want to say to all of you, if you have the opportunity to travel please do it, and if you can retire do that as well. Check all of your vehicles to make sure your disability and life insurance is in tact.
Discuss funeral arrangements and what their wishes are.

 Spend time with your loved ones and treasure the time you have together.
Life can change drastically so very very fast.
If your man is like mine and fights you on going to the doctor for check ups
drag him there and make him have regular check ups

My husband was only 56 years old and he was taken from me too early.
 He had a lot more life to live
He and I were robbed of many years we should have had

I miss him terribly and feel like someone has cut my heart out.

Maggie and I are feeling very lost and very heart broken

Rest in peace my dear
I hope Heaven has Harleys

Brian James Fraser
Sept 13 1956 to July 22 2013
 I will love you forever my dear with all of my heart and soul
Thank you for showing me the world
and for loving me unconditionally
you were my everything
xo love xo
and of course
your little Maggie girl



  1. OMG Tobey - this has hit me like a dagger to the heart...............
    I went on my reader to see what was new in Bloglandia - and this.
    I was going to send you an email a few days ago to ask if all was well and was the move finally happening.
    I feel sick to my stomach with grief for you dear friend.
    Get what you need to do done quickly and get back to Ontario as soon as you can - you need family around you now - more then ever.
    Heartbroken in Montreal and wishing I could help.

  2. I'll keep you in my thoughts, hoping in time you'll find peace and a life on your own, with Brian always in your heart.

  3. What a heartfelt post, I feel so very much for you. It sounds like a beautiful funeral procession for a beautiful man. Big hugs to you, and many, many heartfelt prayers too.

  4. Sorry for your loss. I am glad you have such happy memories to treasure.

  5. Dearest Toby, what a crappy way to meet, but my heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry for you and your family and can't imagine how you are going through this tough time. Please know that we are all praying for you. *hugs* Karen

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. I can feel the love with every word. May God help you through this difficult time and the days and weeks and months ahead. God bless!

  7. Hi Tobey...I'm visiting from Susan's blog, Simply Vintageous. I am so very sorry to hear about your loss of your beloved Brian. I have no words other than to say I will keep you in my prayers. God bless.....Vicky

  8. I'm visiting from Suzan's blog Simply Vintageous. I just want you to know how sorry I am to hear that you have lost your love!! I do not know you but my heart breaks for you!! I pray you find peace in the memories you've made together. I also want to thank you for your advice!! For looking out for others even through your own pain. My husband is 61 and hates his job. He wants to quit every day. He works looong hours (70) just last week. I tell him that he should quit whenever he wants to. He can draw SS next May and we'll make it till then. I want to travel. I think I will push him harder to leave his job now. God bless you! and Maggie. Our Molly starts her whole body wag as soon as she knows her daddy is home as well. :)

  9. Hi Toby, my heart and soul goes out to you. Sending strength from one Canadian to another. I have lost a loved one, but years ago. It is strange how the world continues around you but you just cannot. You are making the right decision to move closer to friends and family, they will help you get through this. How wonderful you gave Brian one last ride. I found your blog, a fellow Canadian when I first started blogging but I am not very active on it right now. I just read your news from Suzan on Simply Vintageous. I had to come by to give you my deepest condolences. Take care of yourself.

  10. A mutual blog friend sent me here (Suzan). I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it has been for you. Sending prayers and hoping the good memories can help you through this.

  11. Tobey,this is my first visit to your blog. I came from Suzan at Simply Vintageous. I am so sorry for your loss - heartbreaking. We bloggers share a kinship, support and champion one another. So from a stranger but fellow blogger, you are in my thoughts and I wish you well as you begin to forge a different and unexpected path in life. With deepest sympathy from a fellow Canadian,

  12. I am coming over from Suzan's blog. I am sending love and prayers of strength to you~

  13. I am so sorry! I'm also visiting from Suzans and I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  14. Hello Tobey, I'm visiting from Suzan's blog. I am so very, deeply sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through and how you must be feeling. I will pray for you and your family. Words cannot express how much my heart is breaking for you...someone I don't even know. May you find peace.

    God Bless,

  15. I am very sorry for your loss. I found you on Suzan's blog. My thoughts are with you.

  16. Tobey, I'm coming to you from Suzan at Simply Vintageous. She is kindly asking for prayers, and you have mine as well as many others. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but it is one of my biggest fears. I know that losing your soul mate has got to be worse than any other loss we experience. My heart and my thoughts are with you as you continue to process this. I pray that your sweetest memories of Brian will carry you through the grief and sadness you now feel. I am going to become a subscriber and I hope to learn much from you in the time to come. My sympathies to you and your family.
    Castroville, Texas

  17. Dear Tobey, I am here through Suzan at Simply Vintageous. I cried as I read your post. I just want you to know that I'm praying that God will take care of you and help you through this very difficult time.

  18. im visiting to send prayers of love your way Suzan mentioned your loss and now after reading this my heart aches for you

  19. I came over from Suzan's too. I so understand your feelings ~ my granddaughter was fatally injured in a freak auto accident 6/21...15 yrs old. Taken wayyyy too soon! It's been 6 weeks and I feel like I'm just coming out of the fog. My heart goes out to you and I will hold you in prayer. I will ask God to give you peace, to comfort you in the lonely hours and provide strength to do the things you must. I encourage you not to ask "Why?" Of course, I did...we all did! There are no whys though or reasons that are immediately evident. Just trust in God and that He needed him for something magnificent.

    I wish I could give you a warm hug! It's amazing how much those mean at a time like this. Please know that there is so much support out here for you. If there's anything I can do, please don't hesitate to yell.


  20. I came here from the SV blog and your story has touched me so deeply. My hubby is a Harley man and is also my BFF and I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your terrible news. My thoughts are with you................................. I really don't know how to say the right words as I don't think there are any words. I truly hope you can draw strength and courage to deal with everything from the times you spent with such a wonderful man who will always be in your heart.
    It sounds like you had an incredible journey with him.

  21. Suzan sent me over here. I am so so so sorry, Tobey. We had the same thing happen to my brother this past February. He was 59 and got sick and was gone in just a few days. It just seems so unfair and you wonder WHY. God bless you-I am keeping you in my prayers. Love to you- Diana ps. I am your newest follower so I can keep track of what is happening in your life.

  22. Tobey,
    I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband was WAY too young to go so fast. I pray that you will get some understanding by he autopsy report and I hope you find yourself surrounded by the love of family and friends. Hugs!

    A fellow blogger....Jennifer from Decorated Chaos

  23. Dearest Tobey; I am so very sorry for your loss. I am so shocked to hear about the passing of your Beloved Brian.
    I can not even imagine what you are dealing with and are going through.
    You are in my Thoughts and Prayers. If there is anything that I can do for you, PLEASE let me know.
    Contact me at anytime.

  24. Tobey, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. The pain is indescribeable and the journey will be a rough one, but please know that you have many, many people who care about you and will be keeping you in their hearts and thoughts and prayers. God bless you.

  25. I am sorry for your loss; hold on to those precious memories.

    BTW, was your husband an outdoorsman? A local gentleman died recently after being sick for several weeks, and the drs. could not find a cause. Too late to help him, they found a tick bite. He died from a bacteria carried by ticks (Ehrlichiosis).

    Hopefully you will get the answers you need. Hugs.

  26. A very beautiful and painful blog post. I can tell that you loved him very much and I know that he knew that. Hold him close in your memories. I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers. I came from Simply Vintageous

  27. OMG! I have been wondering lately about you and was so shocked to read this this morning. I am so sad for your loss of the love of your life. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. Do know, that wherever you are or whatever you are doing Brian will be there.
    Take the strength of your family and friends during your time of healing.
    So sad in Ottawa!

    Teresa of Tessie's Creations

  28. I'm so sorry for your unimaginable loss. I know you will treasure the amazing memories you've shared with your husband. I'm visiting through Suzan's blog, and wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts.

  29. Tobey - I cannot seem to form any words but I think it's important for you to know that your story is incredibly touching and sad, and that the way you are handling his passing is such an obvious tribute to how you feel about him.

  30. Dear Tobey, words really can't carry the feelings of so many of us, but know that our hearts are full with hope and peace for you and your family, and Maggie. I know that the veil is so thin at times like this and Brian is very close to you and others as well. My prayers are with you. If you haven't been in the habit of keeping a journal, now might be a time to start writing all of your treasured sweet moments with Brian and Maggie. Please be kind and unhurried with yourself too if possible and ask for help too. God bless you, Mary Anne

  31. Dear Tobey,
    I am a follower of Suzan...sending prayers. xx oo

  32. Tobey,
    I was cleaning out my "inbox" and was excited to see a post from you that I hadn't read. Much to my dismay, and sadness, it was the news about your beloved, Brian.
    Words cannot convey how sorry I am for your loss. It is clearly evident that you had a bond that was enviable, and one that was not easily broken, even in death.
    Please know that I am praying for you, and am hoping that some day you can find your way back to creating. Losing your dad, and your husband, in a few short months, is unfathomable.
    What is it they say? God never gives you more than you can bear?
    I should be encouraging you by saying this is true, but I am not sure that my faith is that strong at the moment. Of course we all have problems, I know I do right now, but hearing your news made me all the more aware of how fragile life really is for all of us.
    Humbly yours,